Freedom

For the first time, in quite some time, I am COMPLETELY single. There are no lingering relationships with men who were drawn to me for my light and energy, but apparently were not compelled enough to make a meaningful commitment…or to be consistent…or to be loving…or to be fully open to the type of relationship that I’ve always wanted, yet somehow convinced myself I was okay settling for something that bore no resemblance to it.

For the first time, in quite some time, I am not hoping for some man to call or text. I am not hoping for a crumb of attention from someone who reinforced the limiting beliefs I had about my worthiness of receiving true love. For the first time, there is silence. There is a deep, expansive, resounding silence.

I find myself in this silence grappling with an urge to cry. Yet, the tears do not come. The tears will not come, because there is no relationship to mourn. There is no love that was ever lost. There will be no tears for something that was non-existent… for something that provided no nourishment…that provided only an avenue into deeper feelings of loneliness. This is not anything I am capable of mourning, because it is something I will never miss.

My tears finally come when I realize what I did lose. I lost my ability to grant myself permission to want more. I lost my conviction to pursue my heart’s vision. I had convinced myself that it was okay to stay in dysfunction because somehow I needed these situationships to fuel the expanding void I was creating within myself.

I finally cry when I accept that I had somehow allowed others to convince me that I did not need or perhaps did not even deserve all the wonderful aspects of human desire that span the terrain of love— affection, acknowledgement, care, commitment, consistency, consideration, recognition, safety, and support. I cry because I had attributed their absence and the fact that no one has ever truly “chosen” me to a falsely held belief that I was not enough.

Not pretty enough…

Not exotic enough…

Not sexy enough…

Not quiet enough…

Not docile enough…

Not simple enough…

Simply not enough.

My tears come as I mourn the loss of my sense of self…my truest self. I mourn, but only for an appointed time, because I recognize that in this space of complete singleness, I finally have freedom. This new found freedom brings a resurrection…a rebirth…a restoration… a rising like the Phoenix from the Ashes. I now have the freedom to hope… freedom to desire… freedom to embrace my worthiness that no superficiality can bestow. I have the freedom to love, and to love freely.

We are all worthy of love…simply because we exist.

#freedom #love