Harvesting Legacy Seeds

The most recent confirmation I received that has helped further cement the healthy space I am now in with my grief journey came in the form of an unexpected phone call from an uncle, my dad’s favorite (living) younger brother. Even though this uncle has always been a cool uncle, I never really had a close relationship with him. But apparently, he and my father talked all the time, and apparently my man troubles were a popular topic for then. My uncle lives in Hawaii, so despite the thousands of miles and 4-hour time zone difference that separated them, they maintained a close, jovial relationship. In my entire life, I've had two, one-on-one conversations with my uncle on the phone. The first one was shortly after my dad's homegoing service in 2020. And the next one was a few days ago, 16 months later. But, my most recent conversation with him was incredible. I learned things that I didn't know. The two most important things that emerged from that conversation were that my uncle is a like-minded individual in that he also believes that the spirit is eternal, and that our love knows no bounds. He firmly believes we can still enjoy our loved ones after they pass over to the other side. He talked about how he has continued to remain his relationship with my dad and his other favorite brother who transitioned 8 years ago. The three of them were really close and I smile thinking about my dad being reunited with and getting to hang out with my silly uncle who always laughed at his own jokes, cracking up with his crazy, hilarious laugh. My uncle also  told me that he remains connected to my grandmother, and that 20 years after her transition, the light of her love and their relationship still burns brightly. That blessed me so much to hear him say that because other than my mom, I really had no one else in my family to talk to about this idea of continuing my relationship with my dad. I have friends who are believers, but there had been no one else in my family up until that conversation with my uncle. 

The conversation was especially meaningful for me because it enabled me to share in the beauty of power maintaining my relationship with my father with another person who knows my dad and loves him deeply. My uncle helped me grant myself permission to speak only of my father in the present tense. Something always felt wrong and unnatural about saying that my father was anything when I know he is still so many things. I recognize this stance is not widely accepted, so I was initially worried that people would think I was insane if I refer to my father in the present tense. But, now, I don’t care about how others perceive what I know to be true. 

My uncle also does some amazing and incredibly funny impressions of my father. It was so wonderfully cathartic to talk to him and witness him invoking my dad’s spirit. That aspect had been an important element that was missing from other people who've been great sources of support for me in my healing process in dealing with grief. My uncle expressed that he wanted to be an added source of support for me. That my dad had passed his earthly baton to him to look out for me. He also reminded me that the last thing my daddy would want is for me to suffer. He didn’t want me to feel like I had to go through this alone. In many ways, having my uncle step up in my life as an additional fatherly figure to me is something I greatly needed. In many of my recent talks with my father, I have expressed my frustration at his earthly departure. I'm 40, but I still need my dad. My father understands that although our relationship will continue, he knows I need a fatherly figure on Earth. I suspect that my dad sent my uncle to me, but he had to wait until I was in a place to be open and receptive to the relationship. My uncle is not here to replace my father, but he is here to serve as an extension of my father, which will ultimately enhance the new relationship I have with him. 

My uncle also told me something I never knew about his relationship with my father. My dad is 10 years older than my uncle, and when my uncle was a child, he lost his closest male father figure— his grandfather. As my uncle explained, my dad really stepped up his presence his life as a big brother. There are seeds that my dad sowed in my uncle as a young man. He made  investments in my uncle's life, not only from the time that he was a child, but also that he continued to nurture that relationship even through adulthood. Now, I am entering a season where I will be able to reap the benefit and get the return on my father's investment in my uncle. The is a part of my father’s legacy and a testament to how we should never grow weary in well-doing. We may not reap the harvest of all the seeds we sow in our lives, but someone else will. That is incredibly beautiful. 

Healing my grief is granting me incredible freedom. Freedom to be unapologetic in my acceptance of my father’s undying soul and our never ending love. Freedom to embrace the gift of new fatherly relationships. Taken together, these have granted me freedom from suffering over his transition. I am now able to put my freedom into practice. I had a speaking engagement a few days ago, and I referred to my dad in the present tense. I confidently disclosed both my father’s transition and my belief in his continued presence in front of a corporate audience who paid me a pretty penny to serve as their Town Hall speaker. This was the first time I've spoken about my dad's transition in a public forum without getting choked up and fighting back tears. What a gift.