Freedom to be Who I Am in this Moment

A conversation about the dress code for a fireside chat that I’m filming “in person” led to a deep inner exploration of the only guidance the organizers gave me about what to wear: BE YOU. It sounds so simple. I initially responded to their “be you” by raising my eyebrows, followed by smirking with a devilish grin. I thought to myself, “Lawd…y’all really don’t want to just let me…be me!” But, as I pondered this further after the call ended, I realized their charge to “be you” was practically philosophical. What will it look like for me to show up and just be…me?

This event is actually one of the first speaking engagements that I’ve had in quite some time that requires me to dress up from head to toe. One of the conveniences of the virtual event space is that I’ve only had to “bring it” from the shoulders up! Head to toe is a bit of lofty order when you’ve been operating from a (barely) business at the top, (pajama) party at the bottom approach to fashion for almost 2 years.

I went to my closet and it felt like it was bursting at the seams with either clothing that didn’t suit this occasion or seemed inauthentic to who I am and where I am at this moment in time. There were cocktail dresses and party dresses and business dresses…blazers…blouses…slacks. My soul flinched when I perused what I supposed could be considered business casual dresses. Do you wanna know what clothing feels most reflective of where I am right now? Joggers and sweatshirts. But, I couldn’t roll up in there looking like I was ready for a Netflix and chill! So, I had a bit of a conundrum and felt pangs of anxiety creeping up. In the past, my choice of clothing has been one of the things I prided myself in because I have always endeavored to be authentic in how I show up and physically represent myself through clothing. It has been an added expression of who I am. And right now, I tired AF. The past year+ has beat me down. It’s felt like I’ve only had spurts of energy and creativity amid what has otherwise been a soul-crushing season of life. So what does it even mean to be me anymore? And how am I supposed to convey that through an outfit?

I decided to take a trip to good ole Ross Dress For Less (I actually think I could become a millionaire and still be a firm believer that fashion can be both reasonably-priced and nice!). I went to Ross with the intention of finding something that inspired me. Shopping at Ross is a bit like a scavenger hunt. That’s part of the fun. You never really know what you’re going to find up in there. It could be brand name items at deeply discounted prices or highly inexpensive items…that actually look like they only cost $6.99…and everything in between. My shopping mantra is to find nice clothes that are inexpensive but don’t look cheap. I also believe that you make the clothes, the clothes don’t make you. To quote Erykah Badu, “My dress ain’t cost nothin’ but seven dollars. But I made it fly. And I’ll tell you why. Cause I’m clever.” I also love a good sale and delight in getting higher end items on clearance…there is something about not paying full price that makes me a little giddy. It’s like I have gamed the system. But, I digress.

As I walked through the store, the first items to catch my attention were two beautiful dresses that were very frilly and floral. I instinctively picked them up because they looked like the sort of dress that I would typically wear for speaking engagements in the past. As I continued to skim the racks, my eyes settled on a pair of what looked like high end joggers. I lit up like a Christmas tree! I ran my hands over the soft suede. I held them up and examined their construction. This was quality material and a well-made pair of pants! I checked the tag, and just as I suspected, they were “designer”! The manufacturer’s suggested retail price was $79, but at Ross, these puppies were $21.99. My soul said, “Yaaaaaaassss!!” I got so excited about these pants because they felt like a reflection of who I am right now. I’ve been through A LOT, and I’ve been really focusing on comfort and just trying to love on myself. In addition to these fancy joggers, I found a nice blouse that also felt a little inspiring. It had a bit of that blousy feel, but with a crewneck collar that almost gave it an athletic look. It was a sheer black with these beautiful gold flecks and a sporadic floral pattern. I’ve always been into prints and patterns, but I liked that this one was a bit understated, incongruent…unpredictable. This top felt like a metaphor for the transition I’m undergoing because there are parts of myself that I’m carrying forward, but in a new way.

The other reason I was excited about this black and gold top is because a few weeks ago, I bought a pair of shoes that I’m absolutely in love with. The funny thing is that when I originally purchased them, I was like, “Girl, you barely go anywhere and yet you keep buying shoes and very cute clothes for places you don’t even know you’re going to!!” But, if you stay ready, you don’t have to get ready, right? 😇 But, y’all…these shoes, OMG! These are some sexy, sexy shoes. Black patent leather booties with a chunky gold chain around the ankle. They are sleek and sophisticated… bold and edgy. I fell in love with them at Macy’s while I was actually shopping for a different type of shoe. I love them so much, I might’ve even paid full price, but the fact that I got them for less than half the original price makes me love them even more! There’s something about these shoes that just puts me in my happy place.

When I got home from Ross, I first tried on the two floral frilly dresses. Even though they were beautiful dresses, there was something about them that didn’t really resonate with me anymore. And I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was. Two or three years ago, I would have worn either in a heartbeat, but for whatever reason, I just wasn’t excited about them in the space I’m in right now. But when I put on those fancy but comfy joggers with the slightly frilly blouse, I immediately felt at home in them. I dug through my closet and found a pair of fishnet tights that had a floral and vertical line pattern that perfectly complemented the blouse. I slipped on the sexy-black-patent-leather-with-a-chunky-gold-chain ankle booties to complete the look. It was a relaxed, feminine, and slightly edgy look. This combination felt so authentic, like a beautiful medley reflecting where I am at in my life at this moment in time. I was less concerned about whether it “worked” as a fashion statement, but I was loving the energy and intention of the outfit.

For a split second, I was on the fence about whether or not I should wear those shoes. I’ve always had a healthy degree of paranoia about wearing anything that might even remotely be construed as sexy when I’m trying to present myself in a professional context. I tend to be very self conscious about the clothing I choose, how it fits my body, and any accessory that may be interpreted as sexy because I am acutely aware of how much society judges women on their physical appearance. So, I usually endeavor to strike the balance between allowing myself to be attractive enough that it is an enhancement to how I show up, but not to the extent that is a distraction from my credibility. However, my DMs on social media have taught me that even in my attempts to be the least thirsty-trappy woman on the internet, I’m probably always going to be a little too sexy for my shirt no matter what I have on because of a little concept called “leaving something to the imagination”…and creepy people seem to have the wildest imaginations!

For the brief moment that I considered whether or not the shoes were too sexy for an event where I was told to dress business casual, it dawned on me how society imposes meaning on clothing items. Even my fancy fishnet tights are normally perceived as sexy because of the interpretation or a meaning that has been placed on them and then accepted as a societal standard. Clearly, my shoes are an accessory that will be worn on my foot and not a more overt body part associated with sexuality, like my bosom or derrière. I think in reality, when we were historically told to wear business clothing, it was a subtext for “blend, don’t stand out.” I don’t think we should be afraid of being sexy because the term sexy is not merely restricted to inferring that something might cause sexual arousal. It can simply mean exciting or appealing. So, I have decided to give myself freedom to be unafraid of being sexy while still being professional.

I think it’s so important for us to continually take stock of who we are, and then give ourselves permission to be that person. In Michael A. Singer’s Untethered Soul, he mentions the importance of constantly asking ourselves, who am I? Our life’s journey should include an unending exploration of this question and quest to understand and truly know ourselves. And while I am not the clothes that I wear (or even my hair—shout out to India.Arie!), I do think it’s an empowered exercise to ask ourselves how our answer to the question “who am I?” manifests itself in how we express ourselves, including our physical appearance. I’m so grateful for the “be you” dress code that invited me to go inward to assess who I am in this moment. It’s okay that those beautiful, frilly, floral dresses reflected who I was two or three years ago, but not who I am today. We don’t have to stay the same. It’s probably in our best interest if we don’t. We shouldn’t be afraid to stand out…to be different. It’s also important to give ourselves permission to evolve… to be unashamed to don our scars amid the other parts of ourselves that are more light filled. We should give ourselves permission to acknowledge our rough edges and rejoice when we have the courage to embrace them.

#Authenticity #fashion #freedom